No, what you said is you wanted me to share about myself so others could get to know me.
And I'm not conflicted anymore.
I was having anger issues. On the surface it just looked like a mom who had her hands full with three small children and a house to take care of, but once I really started mulling it over with Christ and journaling it out...I realized it was deeper than just being overwhelmed. I was trying anecdotal things to make life easier, calmer, more organized, to look right, to feel right, etc, etc. but nothing was truly working b/c inside I wasn't dealing with my own heart. The kids would wake up in a bad mood and I'd react to their behavior instead of dealing with what was going on in their hearts or staying calm enough to be civil and rational. Instead I'd just go from situation to situation reacting and usually with gritted teeth and then murmuring under my breath. Over a period of time this murmuring and gritting begins to wear a hole in one's heart and it becomes a habit. I was not liking myself and how I was dealing with things, thinking about things. So I took it to the Lord again and again, and began looking up Scriptures to see what He had to say about Anger. And basically I got this picture of anger being a huge root in my life that needed to be torn out. Now a month or so ago I'd have said that anger wasn't really a big problem for me. I didn't troll around looking for fights or have HUGE explosions like my mom use to. But what God showed me through praying, reading and journaling is that anger, no matter how big it is, is hurtful to ones self, it keeps you distant from God, distant from others and no matter how hard you try to keep it stifled, when it erupts, and it will, the magma can be brutal to those we love or respect. And once I saw it that way I knew it wasn't what I wanted. So, gently, he's showing me where I'm reacting in anger and each time I do it wrong it seems to resound inside my head and I feel the need to apologize or say out loud the truth about what's going on. Like for instance, tonight. I put Zman to bed and once the two little ones are down it's peaceful time. He almost always has to get up once or twice more before it's all said and done and I know this. But tonight I was standing here and I heard his "Mooooom?" and I felt my stomach tense up. "Gosh, seriously!? Why can't he just go to bed!? Why can't it be easy!?" I grumbled and groaned out loud. And as soon as I said it, I knew it was crap. It was crap coming out of a selfish place in me that just wanted the kids stuff to be over for the day. Uncool. So I said out loud "now, that's not right. He's actually really easy to put to bed. Easier than most kids, I'd bet!" and all he wanted to do was go potty and he trotted right back to bed. That could have easily gone another way had I not stopped myself and realized the truth about the situation. Anger sucks.
Are you all
now?
So...that's a slice of what I've been working on.
